A few days ago, in a True You! Short Discussion, I talked about the fact that hitting and spanking our kids doesn’t work; it’s not supported by research in any situation or culture across the world. It doesn’t work. So, what does? Well, I said that I would talk a bit about how to use the Time Out to help manage our kids’ negative behaviors. Keep in mind that Time Outs are a part of a larger program of discipline and that there are many healthy approaches to child discipline. But Time Outs tend to work with most behavior management approaches.
Parental Control
First, I want to talk a bit about a topic that is an important part of my doctoral research and is something I’ve helped parents understand in over 20 years of work with parents who need solutions to their children’s behaviors. The topic is “control.” Most parents are well-intentioned. We aren’t abusive or neglectful; rather, we want to very best for our kids. And sometimes we want the very best so much that we get too involved in our kid’s business. We start doing things for them that they are very capable of doing for themselves because we want to be sure that they succeed; we want to form a base on which they can thrive and eventually launch into adulthood.
So we build a formidable launching pad for our kids, designed exactly to our very own specifications. Then we put huge walls around it, add three layers of offensive weaponry to keep out anything that we have deemed to be bad for them, then we plop them in the middle of this launching pad and tell them to thrive. I know this world is insane. As the father of a 12-year-old this world scares the hell out of me. I’m nervous about coordinating her launch into adulthood and it’s tempting to hover over her, making sure she does everything I think she should do to ensure her success.
But when we overcontrol our kids, when we do everything we can do to minimize their discomfort and their failures; when we make sure they’re warm, that they don’t get their feet wet in the rain that they pass that big test, that they properly manage their friendships; when we use guilt or shame to redirect their behavior, when we hit or spank then, we are often satisfying our need to feel like we’re actively parenting our kids; that we are ensuring their success in this crazy world. When we impose our will on our kids, what we are really doing is removing our child’s sense of agency over their environment; we are removing their sense of control. We are taking away from them the opportunity to learn that there is a consequence for everything they do.
Wouldn’t it be great if our 7-year-old would wake up in the morning, open up the door and feel the cool air, and think, “it’s cold outside today; it’s going to uncomfortable waiting for the school bus if I don’t wear a long sleeve shirt and put on a jacket?” Instead, what do many parents do? They say, “Good morning, it’s cold today; make sure you wear dress warm; that long sleeve shirt we bought the other day would be perfect for today!” Why do we think we have to inform them of this? It’s well-intentioned; but it prevents your child from using a skill that they are very capable of using; and in so doing, it gives them a powerful sense of pride; a sense of control of their environment.
When our children make good decisions on their own it instills in them a sense of independence, confidence, and control. Independent problem solving is an essential skill that kids need to successfully launch into adulthood. I’m not suggesting that parents give up authority or relinquish their responsibilities as parents—there is a huge difference between being in control and being controlling. But what happens with many parents is that they recognize that if we let our kids make their own, developmentally appropriate decisions, that they will, at first, make decisions that result in their discomfort. We know that our kids will be cold at the bus stop. We suspect that they will fail a test. We are afraid that they will get into trouble at school. We are afraid that the natural consequence of their behavior will be far too intolerable for our kids, so we shield them from it.
But what we are really doing is shielding ourselves from the discomfort of knowing that our children made a mistake and are now suffering a consequence of that mistake. And as we actively control and direct them toward their mistake-free existence, we are removing from their repertoire a sense that they can manage their world, and that they can correctly assess the situation and make a decision. That small act instills in them a lifelong sense of confidence. It gives them problem-solving skills. It gives them the practice needed to plan, to think for themselves, and to not be followers. It increases their self-esteem and protects against anxiety and depression. When we stop imposing our values, our beliefs, our will on our kids they learn to think for themselves. When we stop controlling our kids by hitting or spanking, by using guilt, or shame, or even by saying, “do it because I told you to!” we are turning our kids into obedient, anxious kids whose only motivation to do well in life is to avoid getting in trouble. Let me tell you, kids who do things because they were told to do them (but don’t really understand why they are doing it) end up doing the opposite. And they end up with low self-esteem, anxiety, and poor ability to make decisions. And they end up with a driving sense of obedience to authority.
The Time Out
The practice of the Time Out gained steam back in the 1960s as research began to show that corporal punished was detrimental to kids. So, something else was needed that would help parents control their children’s behavior. This is an important point: helping them control their own behavior! The time out offered a fundamental shift toward the idea that we don’t need to be authoritarian dictators with our kids. Yes, they need structure. Yes, they need to know that parents are in charge. They need that sense of security; it’s really important.
But, it’s also important that we teach our kids that they can contribute to the process of controlling their behavior. It’s true that our 3-and 4-year-olds don’t have a whole lot to offer in the way of self-control; they aren’t very good at calming themselves down without our help. So, we have to teach them how to do that. But they can very easily be taught how to calm themselves down, or at least how to contribute to that process. We need to stop accepting too much responsibility for managing our kids. When we allow our kids to figure things out on their own, to learn from their mistakes; when we stop figure everything out for them and stop solving their problems, they are much more likely to repeat what they learned in the future. And in the process, they are developing a sense of pride and self-worth, and a sense of control and mastery over their environment. The Time Out provides a convenient vehicle for teaching our kids to use the skills that they are capable of using while removing ourselves from the process in a developmentally appropriate way.
Time out is Not a punishment
Some researchers conceptualize the Time Out as a punishment. In some ways it is. It does happen as a result of a negative behavior that the child has been told not to do. But the problem with using the term punishment is that the term is associated with parental anger, shame, and harsh words. It’s associated with bad things. Instead, we need to reframe it. We need to let our kids know that a time out is a good thing.
Here’s why it’s a good thing: when we experience an emotion, like anger, anxiety, sadness, happiness, what we are really experiencing is chemicals in the body. We’re experiencing an influx of hormones and neurotransmitters. So, when those chemicals get released from the various systems of our body, we experience the sensation that we humans call emotion. Dopamine is associated with reward; cortisol with anxiety; cortisol and adrenaline with anger; then there’s serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine.
Sometimes, when the levels of those chemicals get too high, we kind of lose control. we get flooded. We have excess anger or excess anxiety. We lose the ability to think and communicate clearly. That’s science; it’s just the way the body works. And when we get flooded with these excess emotions it’s hard to calm them back down. You’ve all experienced it: Some guy cuts you off on the highway and you almost wrap your car around a telephone pole. It takes a while to get that shaky, nauseous feeling to go away. In fact, it takes about 15 minutes for excess chemicals to get reabsorbed and to get back to a baseline emotion that makes it much easier to think and communicate clearly.
Kids are no different. When their chemicals go haywire—when they get too excited, when they don’t get what they want, when they tantrum, when they throw things, when they yell and scream; when their chemicals get to flooded levels and they experience high levels of anger, they don’t have the ability to calm themselves down. They need our help. They don’t need to be punished, and they certainly don’t need to be spanked. That’s only going to make their emotions even bigger! Instead, (and this is where I think a bit differently than some about time outs) the purpose of a time out is to remove the child from whatever was overstimulating. It’s to get him out of the environment; out of the influence of whatever upset him. That’s a skill that we adults use. When someone is really annoying us or making us anxious, we don’t stick around do we? We shouldn’t. And neither should our kids. But they don’t know that. So they just sort of let whatever upset them continue to upset them until they’re completely insane; and so are we, as parents. So, what can we do to help our kids calm down? We remove them from the situation that is causing the emotional flooding, because they don’t yet know that they should do this themselves. We then leave them there long enough for those chemicals to calm back down again.
There are detractors who say that time outs themselves can make kids even more out of control—yes, they can, and they very often do. But that’s because we aren’t doing them correctly. In fact, we often use Time Outs very INCORRECTLY. So, I want to take a few minutes to talk about how to use the Time Out in a way that actually teaches our kids how to calm themselves down, which is a skill that will become useful as they get older. Remember, time outs take practice and can be a lot of work for parents, at least until you get used to doing it right!
But first, Time Outs should only be used with kids aged 2-6; don’t use them on older kids, it’s probably not going to work.
You don’t want to just spring this on kids with no warning. It’s important that they understand that the Time Out is going to become a part of their life. So, you need to let kids know well ahead of time that time outs are a thing and that they are going to be used when they get crazy. So, we need to be clear about the behaviors that will result in a time out. And pick just two of the most problematic behaviors. Don’t give them a list; they’re 4, they’re not going to remember it. So, let’s say “throwing things in the house” and “hitting.” Be very specific so they know exactly what they shouldn’t be doing. Then explain what a time out is, how it works, and where it happens; explain all the stuff I’m going to talk about next.
When they do one of these behaviors—and this is important because, remember, this isn’t a punishment like we often think of punishment—you can’t raise your voice, use shame, guilt, frustration, disappointment, or any other tone of voice, action, or words that upset them even more than they are or that conveys to your child that the time out is something he shouldn’t want to do. Instead, after the first incident you might give a warning: “if you do that again you are getting a time out.” But you don’t have to give them a warning because he should already know he isn’t supposed to throw his toys. But they do forget—they’re 4 or 5—, so, giving a warning when you first use time outs isn’t a bad idea.
If they do it again then they are to go for a time out. Explain that to them with as much patience as you can muster. Don’t communicate negativity. Don’t apologize—so, don’t say, “I’m sorry, but you need to take a time out.” You’re not sorry! They need to stop the behavior immediately. Instead you just say in a matter of fact tone, “you need to take a time out; it will start when you’re sitting quietly.” Calm, firm, authoritative. Ok, so what if they don’t go? If they are watching TV then turn off the TV; or you remove the toy that they are playing with. Their world ends until they do what they need to do. To you, it feels like you are implementing a punishment. What you are really doing is making their lives really boring. Remember, tantrums, screaming, yelling . . . that’s not your problem; it’s theirs. Let them scream their fool heads off. It’s their headache; not yours—well, it might be your headache; but how do you stop a kid from screaming? You can’t! You must wait it out. And if your child is REALLY carrying on, then it’s time for professional intervention.
So, they did the thing they have been told they are not allowed to do. You’ve patiently told them that they need to take a time out. What next? Here is another belief that I have that might run counter to others. Many psychologists and behavior management specialists will tell parents to
designate a place for a time out and that your child should always go there for the time out. But to me, the purpose of a time-out is to calm down. And I don’t care where that happens. Sit on the couch, sit in a chair, sprawl on the floor, stand on your head, sit on the front porch. But once they’re there they can’t be moving around from place to place. Their body needs to be calm and still. Remember, the time out doesn’t begin until they are quietly sitting. They can’t be raising hell for the first 3 minutes of the time out. Time out starts when they are quietly engaged in the time out. With younger kids, you can set a timer. A three-year-old should be in time out for about three minutes. For the older kids, especially once they get the idea and do the time out with no hassle, you can tell them that they can get up from the time when they are no longer yelling, angry, or upset. Leave it up to them; it’s a great skill to learn. But if they get up and are still acting crazy then the time out starts again. Once the time out is over, they need to be held accountable for whatever was happening before they went into time out. They need to pick up the toy they threw or apologize for hitting. This is important; they need to be held accountable.
What do they do in time out? They do what they need to do to get their heart rate down, to calm their breathing, to slow down their racing thoughts. They do what calms them down! If they want to sing quietly and it isn’t major problem for you—and they’re not just being goofy—then let them sing—as long as it genuinely calms them down. So, you might think, “well, that’s something they enjoy; I’m not going to let me do something they enjoy after they just hit me.” It does seem counterproductive; but again, the time out is NOT the punishment. If what they did was so egregious that you feel that punishment is necessary, then assign that as a logical or natural consequence. For example, if they threw a toy and it broke, that’s a natural consequence of the behavior. So, you say, once he’s calm (don’t say this when he going crazy),
“bummer about the toy; but it’s broken and has sharp edges, so it needs to be thrown away.” If he hit you or was horribly rude and was supposed to be driven to a friend’s house later that day, then you could say, “you know, Billy . . . I only do nice things for people who treat me well; let’s see how tomorrow goes and maybe we can go tomorrow.”
So back to the time out. If music helps him to calm down for a few minutes, then let him do that and deal with the consequence of his behavior later. If coloring helps them calm down, then let them color. This is really counter to what many say, but again, the point is to help them calm down not to control what they do and where they do it. Give them the control. Give them the chance to learn their own bodies. Let them learn their own emotions. Give them a chance to learn exactly what helps them get back to a place where flooded emotions aren’t getting in the way of being civil human beings! Here’s what a time out isn’t . . . it’s not a chance to “think about what you’ve done!” They aren’t going to do that. Instead, they’re probably thinking about how much they don’t like you for making them take a stupid time out in the first place.
So, they are sitting quietly, or doing something reasonable and quiet to calm down. They aren’t huffing and puffing. They aren’t strolling around the house or getting off and back on the chair repeatedly. Most kids benefit from just sitting quietly for a few minutes. Remember, the idea here is not to impose our will as parents; it’s not to control them. The idea is to give them the tools to calm down so they learn to do it on their own in the years to come.
And make sure you aren’t inadvertently distracting them from their process of calming down by having a television on in the background or that there is anything else distracting the process of calming down. This might seem contradictory because I just said they could listen to music quietly. But we want whatever they use to calm down to be their idea. So don’t even offer to
turn on their favorite song. Don’t offer to sit and talk quietly with them—unless they are really struggling, then you might offer what you know helps. But the reality is that sitting quietly in a chair is perfectly sufficient for a four-minute timeout. If they need something more, and it works to chill them out, then let them identify what that is.
In all of this, you should not explain, rationalize, or interact with your child during the time. They already know what they did wrong and why the time out is happening because you already explained it to them. You just go on with your day. Do whatever you were doing. Don’t sit with them. Don’t wait in the room with them. Don’t engage with them at all. Just ignore them. Planned ignoring is an art form—it’s something to get good at. Don’t change your behavior because they are in a time out. And if they are yelling or screaming in the time out, don’t remind them not to do that. Just leave them alone, unless they’re breaking things; otherwise, you need to become a master of ignoring negative behavior. They’ll stop eventually.
Again, when the time out is over, when they have successfully calmed down, then you make eye contact and calmly, not as a punishment, explain that they now need to go pick up the toy they threw or apologize for hitting, or do what was asked of them that caused them to get upset. As I said, the time out is not punishment. You can choose to implement a punishment after the child is calm and is able to understand that punishment is the result of his behavior. If the behavior warrants a punishment—I prefer the term consequence because it teaches them to connect their behavior to a real-world outcome—try to make the consequence connected to the behavior. If the child yelled at you because he was not able to play on your phone, it makes no sense to take away his favorite toy. It does make sense, however, to say, “You threw your toy earlier. I’m going to put it in a safe place. You can have it back when you show me that you can treat your toys nicely.” Then define exactly what they need to do to get it back. Now, they might then throw another tantrum . . . .what happens? Another time out.
When it comes to raising our kids there are quite a few contrasting opinions. Unfortunately, we have become conditioned to believe that punishment, guilt, shaming, and threatening are good approaches to managing our children’s behavior. But research has shown again and again, that when we do these things, including spanking or hitting, our kids can become less happy, less independent, less confident, less resilient, more aggressive, more hostile, and more fearful. With so much change in our society, from social injustice, COVID, social distancing, and this crappy political climate, it’s a really important time to provide our kids with emotional connection, love, compassion, and yes, consistency and firm limits. So another aside from the Time Out? The next time your child is having a hard time, get down to their level, look into their eyes, and say, “It looks like you’re really having a tough time . . . “ Then give them a hug. See if it works. Maybe a time out isn’t even necessary.
Do you think the time out is a good approach to helping our kids manage their emotions? Do you think spanking should still be a thing? Should we use more time outs? I really do want to hear your thoughts in the comments section. In the meantime, give your kids a time out. And take one yourself!
